Who Is My Spiritual Father?

The first time I asked a priest to be my spiritual father, he said no. And, to be honest, that caught me off-guard. I asked him why not. His answer surprised me.

It was nothing personal, he said. He couldn’t be anyone’s spiritual father. He wasn’t qualified! Still, he told me that he would be more than happy to hear my confession, and to offer me advice in the Christian life, so far as he was able.

This is how I learned that, in the Orthodox Church, not everyone has the same understanding of what constitutes a “spiritual father.”

What Is a Spiritual Father?

As Fr. Richard René points out in his essay “Spiritual Fatherhood in the Parish”, the official literature of churches in the Slavic tradition sometimes refers to the priest as the spiritual father of his parish. Yet this is a fairly recent development.

Our notion of spiritual fatherhood comes from monastic tradition. The novice monk is entrusted to the care of an Elder, to whom he gives absolute obedience. In time, the Elder may grant his “son” the right to serve as a spiritual father, too.

Fr. Richard goes on to explain how the ideal of spiritual fatherhood spread beyond the monastery walls. According to his research, “low levels of clergy education and formation” combined with “exemplary leadership from monastic Elders such St. Sergius of Radonezh and St. Seraphim of Sarov” led many Orthodox laymen to seek a monastic spiritual father as well.

Over time, there developed three “tiers” of spiritual leadership.

The first and highest is the elder or eldress. This title is held only by the most spiritually adept monks and nuns.

The second is the spiritual father or spiritual mother. This is an older priest, monk, or nun who develops a proficiency in spiritual direction through years of prayer, asceticism, and pastoral labor.

The third is the confessor. This is any priest who is able to hear confessions and offer absolution.

In the Slavic tradition, all priests are authorized to serve as confessors. In the Greek tradition, this privilege is granted only to certain priests deemed worthy by their bishop.

The Parish Priest as Spiritual Father

Some readers may be surprised to learn that not all parish priests are (necessarily) spiritual fathers. Yet, as Fr. Richard René points out, it is important to re-assert this distinction:

I am not suggesting here that Orthodox communities jettison this notion of the priesthood entirely. The history of Orthodox parishes, both past and present, are full of examples of priests who have proven to be excellent spiritual fathers, without resulting in the destructive effects I have just described. However, the key word here is proven. I would argue that we should be very cautious about viewing “spiritual father” as the de facto role of the parish priest, something that he can apply to himself as a matter of course, rather than a role gifted on him as a result of how he has actually cared for his people.

In his essay, Fr. Richard is concerned primarily with priests developing a sort of “guru complex,” assuming that they possess great spiritual wisdom by virtue of his ordination. Such a priest “can all too easily leverage his claim to spiritual fatherhood to subordinate, manipulate, control, and even abuse his ‘spiritual children,’ while ensuring that they remain dependent upon him alone.” This is a valid concern.

By the same token, the laity should not develop unrealistic expectations of their priests. We shouldn’t think less of our pastor if he doesn’t happen to be the next St. John of Kronstadt. That's not reasonable. It's also not necessary.

Again, true spiritual fatherhood is a comparatively rare attainment. Fr. Richard emphasizes this point by quoting St. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians: “For though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers.”

In short, priests are not less worthy of our love or reverence because they have not (yet) achieved the honor of spiritual fatherhood. 

The Layman as Spiritual Father

As Fr. Richard says, it is dangerous for priests to assume the mantle of spiritual fatherhood for themselves. How much more dangerous, then, would it be for the laity to assume it for ourselves?

I’ll use an example from a contemporary Orthodox writer. In a recent article, he argues that more laymen (and women) need to assume the role of spiritual father (and mother) for younger, less experienced members of their parish:

To find a spiritual father or mother is to enter into shared existence. It is to submit oneself to guidance, to correction, to prayer. And for those of us who have received such gifts over decades, a weighty responsibility rests upon us. We cannot remain perpetual recipients. The time comes when we must become, however imperfectly, what was once given to us.

The idea of older, more experienced Christians helping youngsters and newcomers is both good and natural (cf. Titus 2:1-10). Fraternal correction is not only possible but necessary (cf. Matthew 18:15–17). However, spiritual fatherhood is something quite different. What this author is describing would be more like spiritual brotherhood.

Finding a Spiritual Father

Is it necessary to have a spiritual father? Certainly, we must have a confessor: a priest who is able to hear our confession and offer basic spiritual direction. But what about a true spiritual father?

On the one hand, the canons do not require Orthodox Christians to find a spiritual parent. On the other hand, many great saints—including Silouan the Athonite and Porphyrios of Kavsokalyvia—have argued persuasively that spiritual growth is impossible without a spiritual father or mother. 

Anyone who is drawn to the idea of spiritual fatherhood should begin by discussing the matter with his parish priesthood. You may ask for his blessing to visit a monastery or two. Ideally, look for a monastery near your home. That way, if you do find a spiritual father (or mother), you’ll be able to visit him (or her) more often.

(As an aside, gender is not really a factor. Many Orthodox men have spiritual mothers; many Orthodox women have spiritual fathers. To have a "spiritual parent" of the opposite sex may present logistical issues when it comes to going on retreats, for example. But these can be overcome with God's help.)

Next, contact the monastery. Ask to attend a retreat. Make it clear that you’re seeking to grow in the spiritual life and are seeking a spiritual father. It's important that you make your intentions known right away. Otherwise, you may arrive for your retreat only to discover that the monastery’s elder is in another part of the country, visiting his own geronda!

If you find a monastic that you would like to serve as your spiritual father, it’s wise to discuss this at least one more time with your pastor. Take your time; this should not be a rash decision. The relationship of a spiritual father (or mother) with his spiritual son (or daughter) should be for life. Only in very rare, very grave instances can this bond be broken. 

Don't be shy about asking, either. Most priests will be supportive in this desire to grow in the spiritual life. And don't worry about offending him! A good priest will acknowledge that seasoned monastics have powerful gifts to offer the Church—gifts which can't be found anywhere else.

For what it's worth, most monastics feel the same way about parish priests! Which brings us to our final note.

A Monk in the World?

Many people seek out a spiritual father hoping for a more intense or “monastic” spirituality. Yet in my experience, they will not be told to fast on bread and water five days a week. Usually, a true spiritual father will emphasize the need for laypeople to embrace a spirituality suitable to our station in life. 

Even a monastic elder probably won’t ask you to recite the entire psalter every week or make a hundred prostrations before breakfast. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! It’s just that he’ll probably focus more on helping you serve your family and friends in a spirit of love and peace.

And thank God for that.

Read also