How Orthodox Parents Can Teach the Beauty of Waiting Until Marriage

Yet the Orthodox Church has always upheld the belief that: “Sexual intercourse is to be protected as a sacred expression of love within the community of heterosexual monogamous marriage in which alone it can be that for which God has given it to human beings for their sanctification.” 

How can we, as parents, raise our children with a firm belief in the sanctity of marriage and a true desire to wait before engaging in sexual intercourse until married? I believe it comes down to five main points that we should take seriously in preparing our children for adulthood and marriage: empowering dialogue about sex, honest conversations about our bodies, being the example to our children, not dating until they’re ready for marriage, and—of course— prayer. 

1. Empowering Dialogue

Many people believe that the Sexual Revolution began in the 1960s, with the rise of feminism and relaxation of sexual inhibitions. However, the Sexual Revolution actually began in the 1940s, during and after World War II. The war had a liberalizing effect on values, religion, childbearing, and marriage. The generation who grew up during this period of liberalization is often referred to as the “Silent Generation,” in part, because while sexual practices greatly increased during this time, they were not talked about. 

With the advent of the Sexual Revolution came an unhealthy reaction: fear-based messaging surrounding sex before marriage, pregnancies outside of wedlock, and the rise of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). We saw these public health campaigns against AIDS that ran from the 1970s through the 1990s. 

Now, decades later, we are witnessing the consequences of that fear-based messaging. The pendulum has swung the other way, and Sexual-Revolutionary values have become the norm, weakening the sanctity of marriage and traditional values. TV shows have been created promoting teen pregnancies. Public schools are establishing daycare centers in the schools for teens with children. Pornography and hookup culture have been normalized in regular television and books such as the recent Prime series Off Campus. We also see the rise of the “sex-sells” romance books such as Fifty Shades of Grey or Fourth Wing. 

The fear-based messaging started with the intention of stopping the Sexual Revolution. It has, inadvertently, contributed to weakened morals and our near-total lack of respect for the human body—especially the female body.

What if, instead of fear-based messaging, we embraced a more grace-centered approach? What if we engaged our children in empowering dialogue about the beauty of God’s design: the gift of sex within marriage and the human body as a sacred temple? What if we took the more Christ-like approach when having these difficult but necessary conversations with our children? 

Think of it in terms of conversion. People don’t join the Church because they are afraid of it and fear the “consequences.” Quite the opposite: people leave churches for those very reasons. We are seeing this record-breaking wave of conversion happening in the Orthodox Church because of the beauty and grace shown within the faith. 

Jesus didn’t teach from a place of fear. He taught in parables to help us better understand and He was the living example of the beauty and grace that comes with following Him. We should take this same approach with our children. 

Sex is not a topic to fear or be ashamed to discuss. The OCA states: 

The sexual character of human persons has a positive role to play in human spirituality. Like all things human, sexuality must be sanctioned by God and inspired with the Holy Spirit, used for the purposes God has intended. And like all things human, through its misuse and abuse, sexuality can be perverted and corrupted, becoming an instrument of sin rather than the means for glorifying God and fulfilling oneself as made in His image, and according to His likeness.

When sex is used and viewed as a way to glorify God between a husband and wife and with the possibility of procreation, then sex becomes a blessing and true gift given to married couples from God. The OCA offers many sessions and worksheets to help guide these conversations in grace-filled ways centered in the beliefs of the Church and Christ’s teachings. 

2. Honest Conversations About Our Bodies

Arguably one of the most harmful developments in modern society since the rise of feminism and the Sexual Revolution has been hormonal birth control and other unnatural forms of contraception with the intent to control when and how women have children. These drugs are also marketed as lessening period pain, especially for young teens entering puberty. Newer research is showing the negative impacts of birth control on a woman’s body and how it causes more harm than good, often leading to side effects such as life-threatening blood clots and permanent infertility issues. 

The Orthodox Church’s stance on hormonal contraceptives is that a married couple must be willing to accept the possibility of pregnancy from the act of sexual intercourse with the understanding that some couples may need pastoral guidance for forms of contraceptives due to medical reasons. Often, Natural Family Planning (NFP)—the natural process of tracking your cycle and ovulation to either prevent or get pregnant—is preferred and allowed within the Church. In some cases, birth control may be granted depending on the medical situation and the direction of the parish priest. 

Essentially, hormonal birth control is a bandaid manipulating our hormones to not function as they should in an effort to lessen period pain or prevent unwanted pregnancies. When our children are first entering puberty, instead of turning to these bandaids of hormonal contraceptives, we should instead help them to understand what’s happening in their bodies and find more natural alternatives to supporting their bodies. One of the most common and successful ways of supporting a girl's body naturally without needing birth control is cycle syncing: the process of aligning foods, fitness, and your lifestyle with the four phases of your cycle.  

When we have honest conversations with our children and establish firm foundations in what to expect is going to happen with their bodies and how to support those changes in healthy ways, we give our children more confidence in embracing the difficulties of their cycles and a stronger desire to avoid harmful methods such as hormonal birth control. 

3. Being the Example to Our Children

One of the most tried-and-true methods of establishing any firm foundation and strong values is “teaching by example” as parents. This means not only loving and respecting your marriage for you and your spouse, but doing it in front of your children and for them. Let them see what a healthy, joy-filled, Christ-centered marriage looks like—one rooted in the life of the Church. 

What does Scripture say about marriage? That God “created man in His own image,” both “male and female He created them” (Gen. 1:27). He ordered that “a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). He commanded them to “be fruitful and multiply” (Gen. 1:28). 

The Lord Jesus blessed marriage when, by His presence with his mother Mary and his disciples at the marriage in Cana of Galilee, He revealed his messianic glory in his first public miracle, evoking for the first time the faith of his disciples (cf. John 2:1-11). 

When we grow and live our marriage the way God designed, our children will view this as goals for their own future with their spouse. You’ll be setting a high bar for values and expectations within a marriage. A firm foundation will be established for respect, love, honor, mercy, and a deep understanding of what it means to become, “one flesh.” There is no greater example we could provide to our children to strive for than being a living example for them. 

4. Not Dating Until They’re Ready for Marriage

I remember hearing this from my mom a lot as a kid: “You can date when you get married.” I always brushed it off because it never made sense to me. Now, as a parent myself, my husband and I will hold our family to the same standard.

The cold truth is this: dating before you’re ready for marriage is pointless. Often it can lead to hurt, regret, pain, or trauma especially if engaged in modern hook-up culture. Why waste your time going from person to person, experiencing potential heartbreak after heartbreak, if you aren’t ready for true life-long commitment? 

I’m not saying our children or their prospective spouses need to have their entire lives figured out to get married. But they do need to have a plan. To be 15 years old in high school, still fully immersed in studies and extracurriculars, only just beginning to discover who they are as a person—that may not be the best time to begin having complex relationships. Once they attain the age of majority, however, and plan for the future, careers, kids, finances, and faith—then you can seek someone with God-willing similar values that you would want to build a life together with. 

As teens, a majority of emotions are rooted in rising hormones. More often than not, they’re really feelings of lust or infatuation rather than true love. It is important for teens and young adults to be able to discern and identify the differences between love, lust, and infatuation. The OCA lists the differences this way: 

Love involves caring about a person and valuing them for who they are as an entire being. Love provides the basis for a relationship that can grow and mature. 

Lust usually is based on sensual factors that please the person who is “in love”—the person lusted for exists primarily as a source of sensual stimulation, whether it be visual or tactile. The “love” behind lust lasts only as long as the interest and excitement do, leaving no lasting basis for a relationship. 

Infatuation is usually based on a fantasy and the imagination, in which the person “loved” is really loved for what the other person believes they could be. Thus, an infatuation often leads to feelings of disappointment as the person's wishes go unfulfilled, their “love” failing to be returned.

We as Orthodox parents can establish a foundation for understanding the differences between those emotions and being confident in waiting to date until seeking marriage from even young ages. 

Just recently I read the Classic Starts version of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer to my daughter for our co-op book club. My daughter is only six years old, but she didn’t miss a beat when the chapter came where Tom is infatuated with Becky and expresses his love to her and says they should get engaged. 

Now in the story, they are children. Tom just finished explaining how his dream was to be a circus clown when he grows up. After he admits to Becky he had been previously engaged, Becky is then heartbroken and “breaks up” with Tom. Tom’s solution is to run off and become a pirate. 

Is this a very silly story? Yes. But this story allowed me to have a conversation with my daughter about the weight in Tom’s question of getting engaged, the differences between true love and fleeting emotions, the importance of real careers and plans instead of clowns and pirates, and bringing it back to the simple question of, “Were they ready to be engaged”? My daughter answered, “No”. And our fun conversation has now helped to lay the groundwork for future, more in-depth, harder conversations, hopefully in the very long distant future, about real dating and marriage when the time comes for her.

5. Prayer

The most important job we have as parents is to be praying constantly for our children. From before they are ever conceived and through all stages of life, we are always praying for God to protect our children and guide them.

Prayer can work as a benefit towards helping our children avoid hook-up culture and be excited for a Christ-centered marriage in numerous ways. 

Living a life of prayer and being the example will also help our children establish a strong prayer life and firm foundation in their Christian beliefs and relationship with Christ. 

Conclusion

It is possible to still fight back against the societal norms of the Sexual Revolution and raise children strong in the Orthodox faith with good values and established understandings and respect for the sanctity of marriage. 

Fortunately, the Church has many teachings and resources to help parents and children establish these foundations and confidently stand firm in their beliefs. 

Let us as parents help change the generational narrative and instead provide more positive messaging to encourage our children to want to wait until marriage and have a desire to seek a Christ-centered marriage. 

To chat more about this topic and other parenting discussions within the Orthodox faith, contact Jillian Hughes at hello@themyrrhbearingmother.com or send a message on Instagram @themyrrhbearingmother.